my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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