my mouth tastes like poor choices
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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