why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
