put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
