i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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