Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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