wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
BRING THE BAGELS
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
