Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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