I wish my penis had an off switch
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
