Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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