i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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