life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
