you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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