Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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