I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Randomize
