and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
