Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Randomize