Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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