hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
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