The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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