My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
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