I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Randomize
