I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Randomize
