Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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