The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
