Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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