Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
