I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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