I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
