I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Randomize
