dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
