everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
