My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
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