I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize
