I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
