I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
The power of my boobs compel you
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
