I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
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