apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
