tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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