I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Randomize
