i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
