Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
