just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Randomize
