when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
