Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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