yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
