i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
