the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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