you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
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