Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
