All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Randomize
