I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
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