then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
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