i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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