When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Randomize
