hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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