dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
