I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
