It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
