The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
We need to get me chipped asap
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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