Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
