Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
