saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
