I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
