I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
